I'm not sure how to feel.

Today didn't go so well.

The doc asked me a lot of questions and did a fair amount of small tests to see what my tremor was and to test my reflexes, and the conclusion i've been sent away with is that it's probably nothing and i'm probably always going to have it.

Rather embarrassingly, I started crying, I didn't really feel like it was an answer and all it did was confirm the one thing I was terrified of - that there was nothing to do to stop it. (Other than trying beta-blockers, which are pretty heavy meds when my tremor is, for now, pretty minor) I wanted to at least explore some avenues, could it be this, could it be that, rather than just - it's probably this - I don't work very well in maybes, I need definite's (Although I'm well aware these are often hard to come by or even impossible). Of course, by this point I really couldn't get my thoughts straight in order to articulate that and I just wanted to get out of there, feeling a bit stupid for crying. So my doctor kindly suggested that I contact him in a few days after i've had time to think.

I don't know what to think, to be honest.

It Begins Tomorrow.

So i've got my first appointment with the neurologist tomorrow in response to me finally telling my doc about the tremors in my hands and muscle twitches that i've had for as long as I can remember and have been getting worse in the last few years, (Showing the same progression that my maternal aunt's identical symptoms did, hers obviously being much worse than mine. She hasn't long been to see a consultant herself and so has no answers yet) I've been pretty excited about the whole thing in the past few weeks, I have an inherent fascination with neurology (wanting to work in that area myself) and here I am presented with someone who is a specialist in the field, a wonderful opportunity. There is also a high possibility of me having an MRI and being able to have a copy of a picture of my brain. (Which'd be pretty damn cool). However I am painfully aware that i'm not seeing him just to talk about neurology, but to talk about what's going wrong with my neurology and in the last 24 hours i've started to feel very anxious. What if it's something serious? What if they can't work out what it is or whatever it is can't be treated and at best i'm stuck with the current tremor, twitches and weakness that I have now and at worse it progress' like my Aunt's has? I desperately want to become a researcher but who heard of a scientist who didn't have steady hands? I struggle holding test tubes steady now and It'd be hard to work purely in theory in Neurology after all.

I think it really started to sink in just how much it could effect me when I finally broke something because of it. I'd been routinely dropping small objects (Or failing to even pick them up in the first place.) but nothing prepared me for the shock of a side plate simply tumbling out of my hands when I was drying it at work. My boss was sympathetic, she knows my hands shake and I think she'd been expecting it sooner, but it really hit me. Much like a scientist, being a waitress requires strong muscles(Okay, perhaps that's not needed in all areas of science, but some scientific equipment is surprisingly heavy), good grip and steady hands/arms, and here I had proof that whatever this was could and would affect my ability to work.

And it was terrifying.

I realised the reason I was always so slow at cutting the veg up (something that I think routinely frustrates my boss judging by her tendency to take over and direct me to do other things) was because I had to concentrate so hard on trying to keep the knife where it needed to be otherwise every piece I would cut up would be a completely different size and frustratingly uneven. My hands have been littered with small burns at times because I can't stop them brushing the sides when I pull things out of the oven. 

And tomorrow won't bring answers, it'll bring maybes and buttloads of tests (Including bloods, which is mega stressful) and an MRI (which I thankfully remain enthusiastic about) and probably some reaction tests and according to my letter, the potential for a physical examination (Lets not even get started on just how worked up the idea of that keeps making me.) No doubt tests that have to have appointments booked for will start coming for three weeks from tomorrow onwards, smack bang in my exams starting.

I don't know the doctor i'm seeing either, to make matters worse, i'm awful with new people because I don't know how to read them. 

All in all I am more than a little stressed out.

But I have to think positively, tomorrow is a step towards finding out what is wrong, and I have to believe that they will do that, and that there will be something to do to manage the symptoms, and if there isn't, well, my neurology research just got a specific direction to go in!

Think i'll write down everything I need to tell the consultant tonight, just to get my thoughts straight.